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Exercising great patience with Our Wives

Stories of the Prophets and the Salaf

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

How would you respond to a wife who every time you came home had something negative to say or every time you got into an argument with her you found her to be foul mouth and insulting,  For many, the answer would be, “ I’d divorce that bint.”, Then if we go with that answer then the divorce rate would skyrocket. In this brief article, I want to mention some stories of our Salaf to learn some lessons in regards to dealing with sharp lounged spouses.

Allah said: and you should not treat them with harshness (An-Nisa:19)

Allah said: And live with them honorably. (An-Nisa:19)

Allah said: If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good. (An-Nisa:19)

In these verses Allah orders us to treat our wives kindly and to live with them in righteousness; and when we see something we dislike in them then know that it’s possible that Allah will facilitate an abundance of good from their companionship.

Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “A believer must not hate (his wife) believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another“.[1]

Often times the man who finds bad character with his wife in some areas will complain to his parents about her, who would simply say divorce her or get rid of her. Ironically, to that response some would believe that is considered obedience to their parents; however it isn’t.

Hasan Al-Basri was asked about man whose mother tells him to divorce his wife. He replied: “Divorcing your wife as she requested isn’t being dutiful to your mother.[2]

Imam Ahmed was asked what to do from a man whose father ordered him to divorce his wife. Imam Ahmed said: “Don’t divorce her.” The man then said, but didn’t Umar order his son Abdullah to divorce his wife?”  Imam Ahmed said, “Oh your father is like Umar ibn Al-Khattab ?!”[3]

There are lessons in how to deal with wives who have sharp tongues and are ill-mannered and in many cases divorcing them isn’t the first option or even the last.

 For example Allah said: Allah sets forth an example for those who disbelieve, the wife of Nuh (Noah) and the wife of Lout (Lot). They were under two of our righteous slaves, but they both betrayed their (husbands by rejecting their doctrine) so they [Nuh (Noah) and Lout (Lot)] benefited them (their respective wives) not, against Allah, and it was said: “Enter the Fire along with those who enter!”[4]

These men were Prophet’s with the best of character among their people chosen by Allah to deliver a Message, yet their wives betrayed them. Nuh’s wife betrayed him by telling people that he was crazy and Lut’s wife betrayed him by letting people know where the guest were staying in town.[5]

 Allah said: “And we bestowed upon Him Zakiriyah and cured his wife.”

Some of the scholars of Tafsir have mentioned that the cure for Prophet Zakiriyah’s wife was in her tongue and in her character. Atta’ ibn Rabah and Muhammad ibn Ka’b said that she had a vicious tongue which she used to insult him with and bad character, thus Allah rectified her situation.[6]

Although some scholars say that the cure Allah gave to Zakiriyah’s was the ability to have children after she was barren, so Imam Ash-Shawkani said this doesn’t remove the point that Allah cured her of having bad character and a loose tongue. i.e Allah rectified her being, blessed her to have children after she couldn’t and aided her to have good character after bad character.[7]

Think about Prophet (ﷺ) advise to Laqit (radi Allahu anhu)

I (the narrator Laqit) then said: Messenger of Allah, I have a wife who has something (wrong) in her tongue, i.e. she is disrespectful. He said: Then divorce her. I said: Messenger of Allah, she has companioned me for a while and I have children with her. He said: Then ask her (to obey you). If there is something good in her, she will do so (obey); and do not beat your wife as you beat your slave-girl.[8]

In this hadith a companion complained about his wife’s bad character, then he realized the good in their relationship, by the fact they had children together, hence Muhammad’s(ﷺ) advise for him was to ask her to obey him, and avoid beating her if she didn’t obey him, as one would beat a slave who doesn’t obey him.

Al-Imam Abu Bakr ibn Al-Labaad Al-Maliky (333H)

 Imam Abu Bakr was married to a woman who had a loose tongue and she used to attack him with it. It was even said that one day she called him an adulterer, so his companions advised him to ask her who did you sleep with? When he asked her, she said the maid. They then told him to go back to her and say which maid? After that, she said, “Yours.” As a result of that, his companions said divorce her and we will supply her the rights she’s entitled to.

Imam Abu Bakr said,” I am afraid that if I divorce she will be a trial for another Muslim, and perhaps Allah will repel from me a great evil based on her accusation. I proposed to a lot of ladies, but Allah decreed her as my wife, so how could divorcing her be a way to recompense the favor Allah gave me. Every man has a test in this life and my wife is my trial.[9]  

Ibn Abi Zayd al-Qayrawani (386H)[10]

Ibn Abi Zayd al-Qayrawani had a wife who used to treat him bad . She would fall short in giving him his rights and would abuse him with her tongue. The people use to say to him you’re patient with her! He replied Allah has blessed me with good health and knowledge and blessings with all my possessions. Perhaps she was sent to me a punishment for my sins, so therefore I’m afraid that if I divorce her Allah might send down another trial for me more difficult than her.

Imam Ibn Abi Zayd was patient with the harms that came from his wife through reflecting over his own shortcomings. This is something the Salaf were known for. They rarely blamed others for the trials they faced, but instead they would look at themselves as an evaluation. Allah said: . And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned.[11]

Imam Ibn Qudama [620H]

He used to have a slave girl who used to abuse him with her tongue and bad character, so he never said anything to her. i.e he never got angry at her or replied her words or remarks.[12]

These few stories mentioned show that marriage life isn’t always sweet and sometimes with the roses, you have to take the thorns. Anyone wishing to get married should ask certain questions about temper issues if they aren’t able to cope with someone who has a short temper. Moreover, that person should learn patience and ask themselves are they able to be patient with certain situations. Furthermore, we need to realize that divorce, or even threatening a woman with divorce isn’t always the right answer.

Imam Ash-Shafa’I said : “I spent forty years asking married couples about their relationships  and none of them said it was easy.” [13]

Translated and prepared by

Abu Aaliyah Abdullah ibn Dwight Battle

Quarantined by COVID-19 ,Doha, Qatar 1441H©


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[1]

[2] Bir wal Silah page 134

[3] Tabaqat Al-Hanabala 1/456

[4] At-Tahreem: 10

[5] Refer to Al-Hakim in Mustadark 3833 graded as being Sahih by Al-Hakim and Ath-Thahabi

[6] Refer to Tafsir ibn Abee Hatim surahtul Anbiya

[7] Fathul Qadir Imam Ash-Shawkani, vol 5/pg 79

[8] Sunnan Abu Dawud 142 graded as being Sahih by al-Albani

[9] Tarteeb Al-Madark vol1/pg 359

[10] Ahkamul Quran by Ibn Al-Arabi Vol 1/468

[11] Ash-Shurah: 30

[12] Tarikh Al-Islam by Ath-Thahabi pg 490 in the volume that has the dates 611-620H

[13] Manaqib Ash-Shafa’I by Al-Bayhaqi 2/191

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